Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Deep Thoughts - of a deranged Kansas City resident...

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

*There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

*Was learning cursive really necessary?

*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Step-dads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual step-dads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro..

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*Bad decisions make good stories

*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

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