Saturday, May 21, 2011

6pm Saturday Rapture - How to Prepare

Harold Camping (he looks like a urine tester)
As my good friend Mr. Wonderful informed us this week, "religious nutburger and all around fun guy Harold Camping (pictured at right) has predicted the Rapture to begin at 6PM local time this Saturday, May 21st - followed by the fiery end of the world Oct 21."  We would like to follow up on the rapture at 6pm and address some of your concerns.

We've been watching what search phrases you are entering to get to Mr. Wonderful's article and here are the top 3:

Top Search Query - "what time will the rapture begin"

Well, this is a good one, as you would probably want to be sure and get all of your affairs in order by the deadline....the ultimate deadline, that is.  To answer this hilarious search phrase query, the rapture is supposed to begin at 6pm Central Standard Time.  I think that the only thing that's going to happen at 6pm at my house is the sound of a beer cracking open and my new Tiger Woods Road to The Masters game being booted up.

Top Rapture Search Query #2 - "what state will the rapture begin in"

Another good question.  Unfortunately, Harold Camping wasn't very specific about the exact location of the beginning of the end as it were.  We can only assume that it will start somewhere like "Sin City" Las Vegas, where prostitutes, alcoholics and gamblers run free.  But the rapture could just as easily begin in Los Angeles, CA where everyone and everything is fake and pretentious and people step all over each other to get ahead.  Or it might start in New York where you just know there's going to be "that guy" on the corner ringing a bell warning everyone that "the end is near" like Kareem Abdul Jabbar did in Stephen King's movie about the end of the world "The Stand".

The last popular search phrase is "how to prepare for the rapture"

I would start by getting pretty drunk, then I would be sure that there was an abundance of hot women around me, so that I would be able to use the classic "hey baby, it's the end of the world" line.  I would call my mom and tell her that she can go ahead and open that $480.00 bottle of wine that I bought her, and then I would go to the bank, take out about $50,000 or so from the old savings account and head for Las Vegas.  Maybe I'll be like Ashley Revell and put everything on red on the roulette wheel. (he won, by the way).  Now that I think about it, I will be pissed that I will miss my upcoming trip to The Windsor Resort in Vero Beach.  Lastly, I will kick my brother in the nuts one last time.

Alas, this may be my last post here at Kansas City News.  It's been a good ride, I've "sampled" women well into the triple digits, been on stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people, made some great friends, kicked some ass (and also had my ass kicked), built a successful business from the ground up, survived the worst music generation in history (basically anything after 1992), and found a great girl that will put up with my shit.

Thanks for the memories Kansas City, you always cared just enough to keep me clothed, housed and fed, and also didn't give a shit just enough that I could take a few days off here and there and no one even noticed.  If you haven't figured out what is so great about Kansas City, there it is in a nutshell - just read that previous sentence one more time.

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