Deep Thoughts - of a deranged Kansas City resident...

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

*There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

*Was learning cursive really necessary?

*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Step-dads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual step-dads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro..

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*Bad decisions make good stories

*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

NFL Targets Binge Drinking

According to an article written by Michael McCarthy of USA Today, the NFL is targeting binge drinking by fans attending NFL games. Staying consistent with the NFL's "Fan Code of Conduct," it is recommending that all NFL teams to limit alcohol consumption to no more than two (2) 20-ounce beers or one (1) 24-ounce beer per transaction, two (2) 6-ounce servings of wine, or two (2) 1 1/2-ounce servings of liquor per transaction. Additionally, it is recommending to all 32 teams that they open the gates or parking lots no more than 3 1/2 hours prior to kick-off. Within the tailgate, they are asking stadium authorities to better monitor and enforce rules against the excessive use of alcohol. To boot, each cup sold in the stadium will state "Fans don't let fans drive drunk."

Good Luck!! While I respect the intent for this is focused, it is nothing more than the NFL doing a little positive P.R. For a league that continually makes promotional deals with beer manufacturers, increases attendance to the games through tailgating, and, most importantly, makes a small mint in selling alcohol at their games, this can be nothing more than the league attempting to look like the good guy. Yes. They can reduce the container size and quantity per sale within the stadium, they don't have a prayer of stopping people from over consumption. If a fan wants a beer, believe me, they are going to find a way to get one.

More ridiculous is the idea that they will be able to limit and enforce the consumption of tailgating fans. I mean, what are the going to do, put a police officer every ten feet out in the lot and start keeping count for everyone? To boot, stadiums like Arrowhead and Lambeau Field generally are self-consuming for tailgating fans. In some metropolitan cities, take St. Louis, there is no general tailgating area. They take over random parking lots and bars throughout the city. I would love to see the game plan for those types of cities.

While I believe it admirable that the NFL is publicly addressing the issue of over served fans and the quality of the game day experience, this is nothing more than a ploy. Anyone annoyed by drunk, loud fans probably shouldn't attend an NFL game. Cite Joe Nammath asking for a kiss on live television. Furthermore, if you are so naive to take young children to the game and be offended by the acts of fans around you who paid for their tickets as well, that's your issue. This rule will be a sacrificial lamb at best. To quote Billy Joel "Every drunk must have his drink."

Attendance at the Missouri State Fair Is up 12%

Does anyone really care?

Real change in America

Obama's platform to get elected to the presidency was all about needing change in America. One place I believe needs the most revamping is the American prison system. Recently in the news California announced an early release of prisoners due to not enough money to keep them in jail. I was disgusted by the fact that letting them out to commit more crimes was the only solution the Govenator could come up with so I have made a list of alternatives that could save governments a fortune.

First we'll start by reducing the three square meals a day down to two meals and a sensible snack. It seems to work for all the dieters in the world, and some of these prisoners could use to lose a few pounds. The prisons would also be responsible for growing their own food supply to eliminate the cost tax payers are paying to feed wrong doers. You want to eat, you have to earn it through hard labor out in the bean fields and orchards.

Further savings can be found by eliminating luxury items like cable television and expensive weight bench equipment. TV time will now be replaced by reading and creative arts to expand the mind instead of bulking up all that braun. Aerobics and yoga will be used to stay healthy and relaxation techniques will help reduce the levels of anger in our prisons.

The final steps to reduce cost may be a bit hard for some to swallow, but hear me out before you decide. The biggest problem we have is overcrowded facilities and this could be resolved if we would stop housing death row inmates for years on end. With the advances in science and DNA proven cases, there should be very little doubt of a persons guilt, therefore a death sentence equals automatic death penalty. No more years of appeals cases, no more lawyers pulling strings. After sentencing you get one year to prove your innocence and if nothing is found after that time, then get in the chair because your ride is over. This policy should also apply to receivers of multiple life sentences and life without parolers. If you are never going to see the light of day again for the crimes you have commited than that's it for you. Capital crimes should result in the loss of the right to be a part of society. Act like a dangerous animal and get put down like a dangerous animal, quick and painless.

Kansas City Jobs - Kansas City Unemployment Rate

Kansas City jobs are out there - but there are also lions, tigers and bears waiting in the woods waiting to pounce on unsuspecting (and inexperienced) kc job hunters.

Two websites to stay away from are www.monster.com and www.careerbuilder.com


Both of these websites are filled with scam artists trying to get you to sign up for a "3 week training program" before you can start working when in actuality that's how the entire company makes money - by charging you to take their 3 week training program. Ever see those commercials on "how to make money from home" - I'm probably telling you something that you already know but SELLING THOSE VIDEO TAPES AND BOOKS ARE HOW THOSE COMPANIES MAKE THEIR MONEY. If the system that they're selling you worked so well, why in the hell would they want to share it? It's the same with the "career building" companies on Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com - they make money by selling you training programs.

On the brighter side of things, here are some real resources for finding jobs in Kansas City and lowering the kc unemployment rate:

KMBC JOB FAIRS - this site about Kansas City job fairs lists several job fairs and employment opportunities in the kc area daily.

The Kansas City Star - Job Finder - this site lets you enter search information based upon the kind of Kansas City job you are looking for.

Also, if you feel the need to be "trendy" about your unemployment, you can follow in the footsteps of a local William Jewell (band camp college) student who invented cute little wrist bands (like we needed another one of those) that simply state "hire me". To order one of these desperate cries for help email jobclub@wjc-sife.org